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- 6 tracks
BuyGrowth can happen in the depths of winter. This album is the testimony to my unfolding.
- 04:45
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Shows
- Upcoming!
Hello LA!
It's official! I have moved to Santa Monica, California. Let the show booking begin!
UPCOMING
DECEMBER 2012
- 12/8/12 Holiday Artisan Bizarre, 1-2pm, 209 Anacapa St, Santa Barbara, California. I'll be playing with oudist, Artur Minas! To view the facebook event page, click HERE!
RECENT PAST SHOWS
JUNE 2012- 6/2/12 Jade Lounge, Portland, OR 8-1030pm with special musical guests Daniel Sherrill and Katie Montogomery
MAY 2012- 5/11/12 Jade Lounge, Portland, OR 8-1030pm with special musical guests Daniel Sherrill and Katie Montgomery
- 5/12/12 PSU Farmer's Market, Portland, OR, Open Stage, 9-10am
APRIL 2012- 4/6/12 Jade Lounge, 23rd and SE Ankeny, Portland, OR with special guests, 8-1030pm
- 4/7/12 Party and Fundraiser for a Healing Arts Collective Space! 5010 NE 9th Avenue UNIT B (9th and Alberta) Portland, OR 5-8pm
MARCH 2012- 3/10/12 Jade Lounge, Portland, OR 8-1030pm with special musical guests
- 3/6/12 Jade Lounge, Portland, OR 6-8pm with special guests
FEBRUARY 2012- 2/29/12 Pub at the End of the Universe, 9pm
DECEMBER 2011
- 12/27/2011- Trunk Space for The Grand Ave Live broadcasting, Phoenix, AZ 8pm
- 12/12/11- The Pub at the End of the Universe, Portland, OR 9pm
- 12/14/11- Someday Lounge, Portland, OR with Cristina Cano
- 12/17/11- The Jade Lounge, withDaniel Sherill, Portland, OR 6-8pm
For more information on shows, past and present, click here!NOVEMBER 2011
- 11/30/11 Rhythm Room, Phoenix AZ 9pm with Ree Boado, Wizards of Time, and Dry River Yacht Club!
- 12/2/11- Butter Toast Boutique, First Friday, 908 N 6th St, Phoenix, AZ
- 12/11/11- The Lounge at Crescent Ballroom, Phoenix AZ 9:30pm withMichelle Blades and Sareena Dominguez
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- Let the California booking of shows begin! http://lilliansoderman.com/#934/custom_plain
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 06/02/2012 at 08:00 PM @ The Jade L... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/114773421
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 06/02/2012 at 07:00 PM @ The Jade L... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/114714457
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 05/30/2012 at 07:00 PM @ Beatervill... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/113986419
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 06/02/2012 at 08:00 PM @ The Jade L... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/113954327
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 06/02/2012 at 08:00 PM @ The Jade L... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/113646561
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 05/12/2012 at 08:30 AM @ Saturday P... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/109462497
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 05/12/2012 at 09:00 AM @ PSU Farmer... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/109433975
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 05/11/2012 at 08:00 PM @ The Jade L... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/109336068
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 04/07/2012 at 07:00 PM @ Healing Ar... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/100933654
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 04/06/2012 at 06:00 PM @ The Jade L... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/100657274
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 04/06/2012 at 08:00 AM @ The Jade L... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/100411671
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 03/10/2012 at 08:00 PM @ The Jade Lo... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/94273872
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 03/10/2012 at 08:00 PM @ The Jade Lo... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/93921495
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 03/06/2012 at 06:00 PM @ The Jade Lo... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/93337827
- Lillian Soderman has a show on 02/29/2012 at 08:00 PM @ PUB at the ... in Portland, OR http://www.reverbnation.com/c./poni/92010096
- Hello again Portlandia! http://www.reverbnation.com/c/fr5/artist_1406112?eid=A1406112_11470635_
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Posts
- Jun 13, 12
It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog!
Expression through writing seems to come in waves, as does life. I am always writing in my journal, but that is usually for my eyes only. The endeavor of writing authentically when you know others will be reading is a different challenge!
Life is changing, as I’m sure you all are experiencing. I have been noticing, at least in my immediate circle of friends and family, that their lives seem to be calling them forth to something greater. Big changes are all around.
A little update about what’s been going on for me:
-Portland is great. I fall more in love every day. I moved to a new room on June 1st and have been enjoying creating a new sacred space! I am also grateful to my brother and his partner for putting me up that last little while. Speaking of my brother and Lyndi, as of a few days ago, they are engaged! I’m so blessed to be a witness to such Love. They will be officially “married” when the national laws about gay marriage change. Rock on to them
-I’m still working on-call at New Avenues For Youth and continue to enjoy it immensely. I have also just completed the necessary courses for my re-certification in Alcohol and Drug counseling as well. Sigh!
-I took an epic training on learning the art of council. I plan on pursuing further education in this area and can’t wait! Learning the art of co-leading community circles is what my soul has been waiting for; it felt as if I had come home. Check out the Ojai Foundation I’ll be doing most of my training in the beautiful Ojai, California
-I’m still playing music around town and finding the balance of work, play, music, and other things of life! I haven’t been recording as of late, but I trust that it will be effortless when the time is right. Music updates can always be found here: LillianSoderman.Com
-I was hired as an on-call worker at the beautiful Breitenbush Hot Springs in Eastern Oregon. To be paid to live in the woods, under the stars, with around the clock access to a fresh river, steam sauna, and the earth’s hot, nourishing waters…uh…yes please! I am grateful for this incredible healing opportunity. Check it out! Breitenbush Hot Springs
-I’ll be traveling a lot this summer and keeping it open to be flexible in my adventures. So far, California and New Brunswick, Canada are on the docket. I’ll most likely be auditioning for The Voice again, as it was an amazing challenge and a loud call to the universe that I plan on singing my voice!
I think that’s about it for the updates…
Onto food for the pondering heart.
This next piece was written while on day one of my Breitenbush interview. This place throws you into healing the dark shadow waters of the soul. This is what came out as I attempted to stay grounded with the flowing river.
I’ve heard it said that the spiritual path is not for the faint-hearted. Had I known it was going to be this hard, I probably would have reconsidered starting in the first place.Blindly navigating through the muck of my pain and suffering, along with the pain and suffering of others, was definitely and still continues to challenge, but now that I am where I am, I retract that original thought.Allowing joy, peace, abundance, beauty, and LOVE is by far the most challenged I have ever been. My mind is bringing out the big guns, trying all the tricks to get me to run away from everyone and everything that loves me, everything that makes me smile, that brings me joy, that supports me on this path. It takes all my strength to literally not start running away. Luckily, I have tapped into something that keeps me still and grounded, despite the terror that runs through my body–my sweats and shivers, heart-pounding body. I stay because there is nowhere to run! I cannot escape myself no matter how fast I run, or how many places I move, or how many countries I flee to. That is not to say that traveling is always an escape route. Many of my travels were intended to walk me straight back to myself and many, if not all, have done just that and more.Nonetheless, I had no idea I had so much resistance to living fully. How do I bring down these walls of resistance? How do I surrender fully? How do I trust myself so deeply that the anxiety falls away and I can free myself to live, free myself to experience the river flowing, free myself to hear the birds teaching me their lessons, free myself to hear the hum of love all around me all the time, everywhere?Every moment to moment to moment, I am required to recommit to this path. The temptations to stray and dull myself are so loud and invasive!Every moment, another devotion to the moment in front of me. I call myself back home to my heart. This heart, where all the answers have resided for eternity. The place where every lesson of every lifetime lived, every tear, every pain, every happiness, every love, everything that ever was, all call home.Trust. Love. Courage. Surrender. Allowance. Acceptance. Beauty. Creativity. Community. Faith.I continue opening my eyes to see that I am Worthy of all of these and more. I am of God, Spirit, Light, Love. I am Life’s longing to be lived through me, as me. I am intended for greatness beyond imagination. If only I could stop interfering with the divine plan. If only I could step out of my way. Let go!This intimacy with fear leaves me only with the capacity to hold compassion for others. If everyone is as deeply terrified as I am, it’s no wonder we act so crazy. I can see past the behavior to the fear that guides unconscious reactions. As I continue to see myself as enough, whole, as light and love, worthy of compassion and forgiveness, I can hold others in this same light. This is my intention. This is my commitment. I devote my life to Love in action.Love is the only thing that won’t burn away because Love is the fire burning all that does not serve its path.I commit to burning bright and mad-crazy with Love for myself and others.I’m terrified that Grace won’t catch me, but my life is living proof that I have always been caught.The time has come to willingly fall into Grace’s arms, to leave the nest and soar.The funny thing is that many have come to accept the illusion that life is never not changing. Change is the only constant! We attempt to create stable lives i.e. same job, same friends, same relationships, same house, same environment, anything to create the illusion of non-change. This being said, I fully believe that we can engage in these behaviors without the element of attachment. When I look around, I remember nature as the great teacher of the changing universe. The wind is always blowing, the ocean is always moving, the plants are always growing or dying, as are we fragile humans.Despite being able to articulate all of this, I too am not all that accepting of change within my life. I kick and scream until I realize that my only choice is to surrender.
It all comes back to what I discovered on the meditation retreat after being in stillness for what felt like endless hours.
All of the fearful thoughts stem from the deep rooted belief that “I am alone”.
As I have made myself more sensitive through various contemplative practices, the body sensations that accompany this deep rooted thought are showing up with full force.
I stay afloat when I remain steadfast in countering these thoughts and the belief from which they stem.
As a friend reminded me recently, I am OKAY. So long as there is breath in my body, I am OKAY. Even when the time comes when the breath should leave and I should leave this earthly existence, I will still be okay! There is peace in knowing, trusting, and accepting that my time will be my time. Besides, Peter Pan says it will be the greatest adventure of all!
The symptoms are definitely that of classic western anxiety panic attacks…cold sweats, shivering, body flushing, hot/cold rushing…INTENSE stuff, but that being said, I refuse to limit myself to those small definitions, nor will I make the experience any more negative with negative terms. Luckily, I have a therapist, for which I am grateful. It’s always nice to have a professional confirm your sanity (especially a professional that is knowledgeable of both Western and Eastern traditions, who won’t box you or immediately medicate you).
As I learned through practicing the Vipassana technique of meditation, I am trying to maintain that beautiful art of watching instead of getting caught up in the sensations or running like hell (which is my initial reaction). I can make a choice instead of blindly reacting!
It is also a matter of the classic psychological technique of “acting as if”. Even if the belief system hasn’t totally been eradicated, I will continue acting as if…
I AM NOT ALONE.
I AM LOVABLE.
I AM able to connect and make unconditionally loving relationships. I already have them and am continually making more!
I AM connected, always have been, and always will be.
I AM able to distinguish boundaries with individuals, engaging in healthy and safe exchanges.
I AM able to accept and to allow JOY, HAPPINESS, BEAUTY, CREATIVITY and LOVE into my life!
I AM trusting, trusting, trusting–deeply in myself and the higher powers that surround me.
I AM committed to this path of Love in action, even when it terrifies me.
Bridging these worlds is no easy task when surrounded by disorder, chaos, and an over-medicated society that does not embrace the sacred, nor create a space for individuals to embody their spirituality in all of its manifestations. I am trying to learn to dance in the in between, engaging my rational mind when necessary, while keeping my intuition engaged.
The heart-based consciousness of the heart warriors!
Warriors we are!
I am so grateful to be surrounded by fellow heart warriors.
It gives me hope on this path, though each our paths are diverse, we can be of support in our endeavors to wake up gently into another reality, one not based on the illusion of fear, but rather on the reality of Love and Love only.
I wish you all peace, happiness, and Love.
May you have the courage to break from your cocoon and spread your unique wings.
I will leave you with the supportive and always encouraging words of those that have gone before…
“There is nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.” –The Beatles
“You cannot wander anywhere that will not aid you. Anything you touch–God brought it into the classroom of your mind.” –St Francis of Assisi
“A great helplessness I felt at times to even dress myself some days, so I prayed with all my heart, ‘Dear God, help me.’ It is not possible for Love to not hear us, and whatever happens the perfect teacher staged. What would a wise, powerful king allow a beloved child to see?” –St Catherine of Siena
“Face what’s in front of you. It is what it is. It is done and so it is. No blame.”
The five finger prayer:
“God (or whatever you choose to call it) is…
I am…
The truth is…
Thank you God…
Amen (So it is). Let it be, let it go, let good, let God.”
“Every ego is a master of selective perception and distorted interpretation.” –Eckhart Tolle
“Tomorrow you’ll be brave, you say? Fool! Dive today
From the cliff of what you know into what you can’t know.
You fear the rocks? Better men than you have died on them;
Dying on Love’s rocks is nobler than a life of death.” –Rumi“The breezes at dawn have secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep!” –Rumi
“When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty in the water, and the great heron feeds. I come in peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world and I am free. “ –Wendell Berry
“I take a deep breath and allow myself to relax. My whole body calms down.” –Unknown
“This will enable them to help others in finding their
own true selves. But first they have to go through that process themselves.
This generally demands great determination and perseverance on the inner
level. Because society feeds them values and judgments which often go
against their own natural impulses, many lightworkers have gotten lost,
ending up in states of self-doubt, self-denial and even depression and
hopelessness. This is because they cannot fit into the established order of
things and they conclude there must be something terribly wrong with them.
What lightworkers have to do at this point is to stop looking for validation
from the outside – from parents, friends or society. At some point in time, you
who are reading this will have to take the momentous leap to true
empowerment, which means to really believe in yourself and to truly honor
and act upon your natural inclinations and your inner knowing.
These four steps mark the transition from ego based to heart based
consciousness.
1. Being unsatisfied by what ego based consciousness has to offer you,
longing for “something else:” the beginning of the end.
2. Becoming aware of your ties to ego based consciousness, recognizing and
releasing the emotions and thoughts that go with it: the middle of the end.
3. Letting the old ego based energies inside you die, throwing off the
cocoon, becoming your new self: the end of the end.
4. The awakening of a heart based consciousness within you, motivated by
love and freedom; helping others making the transition.
At this point the ego joyfully accepts the heart as its spiritual guide. The natural wholeness of the soul is restored.” –From a book that I’m reading and forgot the title… It has the word lightworkers in it
I’ve decided to embrace the change with red lipstick these days…and by hanging out with amazing friends too
- Feb 26, 12
Hello friends and strangers alike,
Quite some time has passed since my last entry. I figured it would be a nice practice to catalogue where my journey’s have taken me and where I feel them to be leading, with the understanding that I never really know what lies ahead…
After being away from Portland for several months, I find myself living here once again. This time around, it feels much different. I recognize now that it was necessary to leave before I could figure out what I wanted and needed to continue my pursuit of a wholehearted life.
What’s a wholehearted life? “The Gift of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You Are Supposed To Be and Embrace Who You Are” by Brene Brown, sums up much of my quest into one short book. This book blew my heart away in the best kind of way. I’ll share the table of contents, which I refer to on a regular basis to remind me of the seeds I am sowing.
1. Courage, Compassion, and Connection: The Gifts of Imperfection
2. Exploring the Power of Love, Belonging, and Being Enough
3. Things That Get in the Way
(On to the guideposts, which are my favorite)
4. Guidepost #1: Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think
5. Guidepost #2: Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism
6. Guidepost #3: Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
7. Guidepost #4: Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
8. Guidepost #5: Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
9. Guidepost #6: Cultivating Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison
10. Guidepost #7: Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
11. Guidepost #8: Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
12. Guidepost #9: Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and “Supposed To”
13. Guidepost #10: Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and “Always in Control”
That’s a heart full, eh?
Ironically, I didn’t read this book until my visit back to Portland several months after leaving. It was during this return visit that I felt my heart ignite in a way I had forgotten it was capable. Suddenly, all my journeying made sense.
It was necessary for me to leave and lean into another world of creation. I played music on the road and got a taste of being just a musician. I met wonderful people, shared many a meal and inspiring conversation. I allowed myself to accept the support and care of strangers, friends, and family alike. I went back to my roots to discover where I grew up and the family with which I grew up. I got to know my home again as the adult I am and am always becoming. I am in deep gratitude for all of those I encountered along my travels, for the experiences, and all the lessons. Thank you!
After the initial ignition, the fire of my heart did not wane. It became very clear that the next stage of my spiritual development would occur back in the place that I had left. How cliche!
I knew this transition to be very important, so in honor of the significance, I decided to begin my journey home with a ten day silent meditation retreat. I cannot sum in words what this experience has done for me. One has to go for themselves to know fully and everyone’s experience will be uniquely their own. As for me, the pursuit of wholehearted living was deeply affirmed. It is from this place I move into action. If interested in going or reading more about the retreat in which I participated, click HERE!
So here I am! Back home in Portland. As for my current affairs:
- I am once again working for New Avenues for Youth with a renewed passion. Check out the amazing things that this organization is doing by clicking HERE! I am looking into furthering my education, so as to be better equipped to work within the mental health field, specifically with the homeless population and those who experience extreme states. I am excited about a new approach to mental health that I think will be the forefront of an important transformation within in the field. You can read more about Open Dialogue Approach by clicking HERE! or by checking out the work of Portland Hearing Voices, by clicking HERE!
- I just moved to a beautiful urban farm outside of the city with some old friends. We will be growing our own food and food for others! We have chicken friends and soon to be goat friends too. (Want eggs? Goat milk products? Food?) I encourage you to check out the magic that we are creating and to get involved in whatever way you see fit! Click HERE! Like us on Facebook! Join us in humbling ourselves to what I think might be the greatest teacher there is, the earth on which we inhabit.
- I am (of course) continuing my pursuit of music with renewed creative juices! Some very exciting things are under way. See updates and upcoming shows by visiting my website! LillianSoderman.Com
Who knows what magic will enfold as I continue to embrace my part time social worker, farmer, musician, friend, lover, sister, daughter…self.
I will end this entry with a few last thoughts. . .
This strange life we have all been gifted is an infinite labyrinth. The nature of it is uncertainty and change. I am choosing to not be anxious about the nature of things, but to instead sit in as much acceptance as I can muster.
I used to think that I had to expand in order to hold all of the suffering and pain I felt for myself and others. I now realize that I have to expand much wider so as to hold all of the joy and love I feel.
I am on a quest to remove all of the barriers I have placed that impede my ability to love fully. I am weeding the garden of my soul, so that the seeds of love, courage, acceptance, health, compassion, joy, authenticity, belonging, gratitude, creativity, faith, trust, play, community and connection will flourish in my soil.
Here’s to the fast approaching spring and the growth and expansion that awaits us all.
May we be filled with peace and acceptance of what lies ahead.
May we all be happy and full of life.
Enjoy the following photos and their corresponding affirmations
- Sep 05, 11
Hello friends and strangers alike!
The title of my blog has been my mantra as of late. Simple words, but not so simple to carry out!
After departing Portland at the end of June, I headed south to Santa Barbara, where I resided in a beautiful teepee (tipi). Time stood still. An old reality was exposed, as a new reality set in. The red curtain opened to reveal a real live life! The lessons learned here are still unfolding, as everything always is, like an infinite origami piece of art.
After my time in Santa Barbara, I headed back to Portland to re-meet the city. How wonderful to come back to a place I call one of my many (external) homes. How nice to see it in an entirely new lens! I spent the majority of my time reading, taking baths, sun bathing, spending time with loved ones, writing and playing music, exploring the wilderness, drinking spring water…in other words, this was the beginning of exercising my weak ability to do “nothing”. Western culture says, “Don’t just sit there, do something” Another way of living says, “Don’t just do something, sit there.” Golly! It isn’t so easy to just sit! I’m still trying to figure this one out. My time in Portland led me to the realization that this journey I have decided to take is more than just time off galavanting around aimlessly. I move with an intention to rediscover my spirit, which I have come to realize has been rather neglected (understatement). The voice of my head and the voice of my heart are similar in tonality. I aim to fine tune my hearing, so as to know the difference and follow accordingly.
With this heart voice, I was led quite clearly to travel across the country to reunite with family in New Brunswick, Canada, where I resided for over two weeks. How my soul was nourished! My time here was magical, but not always easy. I found a window into the cabin of my mind and discovered quite the mess. The world of my mind’s intellectual ways of understanding has been turned upside down, inside out. The existential questions flooded me yet again…What is life? What am I? Why am I here? How is it that I came to normalize one reality over another reality? What gives my life meaning? What am I outside of the things I do? Can I find satisfaction with myself as I am right here, right now, no exceptions? What is happiness? How do you obtain it? And it goes on and on and on and on (sung Journey style).
Oh how the mind rambles! I honor it for its service over the years, while gently reminding it that the war is over, there is nothing to do, nothing to think about, nothing to categorize, nothing to understand, nothing to plan. The realm of the spirit can only be entered through my heart. There is only being! I am continually realizing how difficult it is to just BE. HERE. NOW.
“Hi life, my name is Lillian. Nice to meet you. Wanna hang out?” This recent introduction to another form of schooling has taught me more in two months than fourteen years of formal education (without lessening my gratitude for the formal education I was so graciously provided).
“Don’t tell me how educated you are, tell me how much you’ve traveled.” -Mohammad
I have set out to create my life. Perhaps I will end up coming full circle and “doing” all the things I did before, but the action will not be the same, for there will be an element of consciousness that was not previously present. I will strive to be actively participating, actively choosing, from one moment to the next. I remain in a constant and rather difficult practice of possessing no judgement. My setting out to discover a new life is by no means a knock on other choices in lifestyle. To each their own original life. I seek those who are living their life authentically.
The last two months reassured me that the nourishment my soul needs is one close to nature, connected to the land and its elements, connected to the souls of people, and connected to my heart. I am opening to the possibilities with as much courage as I can muster. I am practicing the thinking of doing the impossible!
“Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.” -James Dean
I look forward to being a fish out of water…a dry sponge on a wet surface…to learning…to being a wood chopping, fly fishing, garden growing, dirty knee-ed, mud trucking, cow milking, moose hunting, guitar pickin’ kind of gal.
As you all know, money does not grow on trees. I am believing in its abundance and have been graciously provided for thus far, but extra moola never hurts! I have my CDS for sale at lilliansoderman.bandcamp.com. Have a listen! Pass it along to your friends! I have enough new material to record a full length album, so be on the lookout for that too!
Your support and energy fuel my spirit. I am infinitely grateful.
There is so much to share and to learn from one another. I’d love to hear what life is teaching you!
I hope you are finding nourishment wherever you are and in whatever life you are living.
Be well and be blessed.
P.S. For those of you eager to know my next destinations…I am quite certain that my direction is South, with some destinations known and others unknown
Wise words written on the back of a letter from Miss Leslie Pilcher: "All will come again into its strength: the fields undivided, the waters undammed, the trees towering, and the walls built low. And in the valleys, people as strong and varied as the land..."
There is an abundance of wisdom to be learned from indigenous ways. I am grateful to be learning and honoring cultural traditions.
Cousins Helen, Isobel, and Mya. There is SO much to learn from children, especially this crew! I'm learning what it is like to be a kid again!
- Jun 30, 11
That’s been my mantra as of late. Along with “I have infinite patience and am Divinely directed to always be in the right place at the perfect time.”
Learning how to trust that is no joke. Leaning into the ever present abundance is no joke. My poor brain doesn’t know how to keep up. It’s begging me for itineraries, along with everyone who asks me questions about “What I do, Where I come from, Where I’m going, etc. etc.” I’ve been growing accustomed to shrugging my shoulders and saying something along the lines of “I haven’t quite figured that out yet, but if I do, I’ll let you know.”
I returned to Portland on Monday evening after an epic fews days in Santa Barbara, California. I spent the majority of the time with loved ones, meeting new loved ones, getting lost in the mountains, swimming in rivers, dancing with the tide, and sitting quietly next to two hundred year old cave paintings. It was difficult to return to the city, but I’m so grateful that I granted myself the time to tie up ends neatly and gracefully. My brain still hasn’t caught up to why I’m leaving something I love, a place I love, people I love, as it was taught that the only reason to leave is in anger. These are new times and truths that have once served me are no longer serving me. It’s time to evolve into something new.
Tomorrow morning, I will kick off the third eclipse by hitting the road . My plan is to head south on the I-5 and see what feels right. Once I reach Grants Pass, I met head west to the 101 and go frolicking among the redwoods and camp for evening somewhere along there…or I’ll go to Qunicy to catch the High Sierra Music Festival…or I’ll go straight to San Fran, grab a friend and keep going South. I’ll eventually make my way back to Santa Barbara and continue my adventures in the mountains, while living in a teepee for a bit. When, or if it feels right, I might head further South into Arizona and New Mexico, (fires depending), or another option might present itself that is beyond my imagination. It is my job to be as open as possible and learn to open to the YES when the feeling knocks.
I’ll leave you with a big question mark, as that is where I am, and probably will be for quite a while.
Open and curious.
- Jun 20, 11
I sold my bed yesterday and slept on my floor last night, which really means I didn’t sleep at all. I woke up at 4:30 in the morning and immediately checked Craigslist for the nicest sleeping pad I could find. My sleeping pad is going to be one of my best friends.
My leaving is beginning to dawn on me. My heart has always known, but my brain feels left out. The fears continue to creep in. “You’re leaving a job you love, people you love, a full time paycheck, health insurance, the comfort of a home, of a bed, of a bathroom, of a kitchen, of continual access to electricity, of…(ad infinitum).” The jabbering is ongoing, yet my self that rests in the crow’s nest gently acknowledges the fear and remains still. The winds of fear can no longer move me, as my roots have grown much deeper, where the soil is hot.
I have no idea where I’m going…
Here are some options I’m pretty definite will happen at some point in time. I’ve been making lists such as these and holding on to them in the moments when I can’t seem to stomach the lack of destination. In no particular order:
- Drive with Miss Katie down to California and celebrate the summer solstice with the ocean.
- Travel the Lewis and Clark trail with an amazing family as a co-parent.
- Visit my fourth grade teacher in Montana.
- Record my new album in a cabin in the middle of the woods.
- Celebrate the birth anniversary of Miss Leslie on the farm in New Mexico and pay homage to Mr. Jack O’Neill’s final resting place.
- Visit my family in Arizona and soak up the dry desert heat.
- Go to Texas and spend much needed time with more family.
- See Miss Julie Mack and hit the road to California to celebrate the anniversary of her birth.
- Use my free round trip ticket to anywhere in SE Asia and explore all over as long as I can.
- Meet up with Miss Sydney Brown and live it up wherever we go.
- Begin my music tour, playing at all the sanctuaries I can find across the states and beyond.
- Convince my high school to allow me to be a camp counselor at Gator Town. That camp changed my life.
- Go to my cousin’s wedding in Canada and spend some much needed time with awesome family members.
- Visit Miss Mollie in Pennsylvania, help build her yurt, and listen/play wonderful music at the Philly Folk Festival.
- WOOF wherever I feel called…Hawaii?
- Participate in as many Vipassana Meditation retreats in whatever states/countries I’m in.
- Fall in love with every stranger and moment I meet.
- Any other ideas that you might have
My brain so desperately wants definite answers. All I can do is gently reassure it that black and white answers have never existed.
I’m trying to lean into that discomfort and trust that the bridge unfolds according to my trust, just like Indiana Jones…which reminds me that I want to manifest a hat like his and a leather bound journal. I’ve always believed we could fly or walk on water if we only could rid ourselves of doubt.
When I’m reeling in my fear and doubt, all I have to do is pick up my guitar and sing. When I lose myself in my voice, things make sense again. The same goes for being out in the middle of nature away from all man made creation.
Divine love through me blesses and multiplies all that I have, all that I give, and all that I receive. Scarcity is an illusion. Abundance is the only reality. All that is not love is not real.
Golly, I’m trying to lean into those words and that wisdom.
I’m like a trapeze-ing person, who has never trapeze-d before, hoping there is a net under neath me.
Here I go…YIKES!
- Jun 11, 11
Welcome to my blog.
Many have requested a way to keep up with my adventures, so here you go. Browse. Read. Share. Comment. Be involved in whatever way you feel.
Life is shifting. I’m trying to keep up and get used to the ever moving foundations.
I’m realizing in an unavoidable way that it all really comes down to two choices in this life…
Love or Fear?
I’m trying to choose the former in every facet of my life.
When my dear friend Jack O’Neill passed this April, I felt my world ripped open, my heart ripped open, exposed, and on fire. It was as if I’ve been watching the back of a curtain that had drawings of “life”. I have been believing in the illusions. When Jack departed from this realm, I received a swift kick through the curtains and discovered a real live audience! A real live LIFE!
The change is here. This is what I’ve asked for. These sprouting seeds are the ones I forgot I had sewn. The fire is hot. I am melting in the best kind of way. The water is moving swiftly and I watch the shore, where all the things I’ve been attached to that do not serve the self-revolution, are left behind.
This has been a long time coming.
The pain is great, but the joys are as full. I’ve never cried so hard. I’ve never laughed so hard. Sometimes I forget which one I’m experiencing!
I am grateful and so blessed.
Join me as I attempt to articulate the non-ordinary moments I find on this journey into the unknown.
This quote is rather perfect for the times, among many other wise words.
“When you get to the end of all the light you know and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly.”
— Edward TellerHere I go!
Watch me fly!
Singing into the wind, heart wide open and laughing.
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Suitcase Hearts
- This is the new music project that will be starting up soon in the California area. Who knows what is to come, but I think something special!
Stay tuned!!!
